TEN SECONDS

by Penny-Anne Beaudoin

It’s funny, but when I replay that morning in my mind, when I watch it unspool again and again in the three a.m. darkness of my bedroom, I only count to five before reentering the house.

Five.

Not ten.

And in my imagination I see my sweet son as he must have been in that moment, standing at the head of the stairs, hiccupping with fear, huge tears rolling down his cheeks, plopping off his chin, one chubby little hand on the banister.

And I say something like - There there, baby. Mommy’s here. No, I didn’t leave you. I could never leave you. Yes, I know Daddy left us and never came back. But I’m not Daddy. See? I came back. I’m right here!

It’s just, you were being a bad little boy, weren’t you? You were playing with your cars when you were supposed to be getting ready. I told you four times, see Sammy? this many times to hurry up, we were going to be late. But you wouldn’t hurry up and you wouldn’t mind me. So I pretended to leave to scare you, no no, to teach you that you should listen to Mommy and do what she says. But it was just pretend. And I was only gone five seconds. Not ten. Ten would have been too long. No. Just five. See? Five? Can you show me five? That’s right!

Then I say - So, are you ready to be a good little boy now? Oh, I know you are! OK then baby, sit down on the top step there, that’s right, and come down the stairs on your bum, you know how, you’ve done it before lots of times. That’s the way! Just like a little froggie, ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump, all the way to the bottom. All the way to the bottom on your bottom. And that way you won’t fall. You won’t fall. You won’t fall.

And break your neck.

BIO: Penny-Anne Beaudoin has freelanced for religion and spirituality journals since 1997, and her articles have appeared in several Canadian and American journals and newspapers. She was nominated for the Canadian Church Press Award in 2000. Her poetry has appeared in Room of One's Own, On Spec Magazine, and Windsor Review, and her fiction has been published in Writers On Line, Quantum Muse, Lorraine and James, Canadian Writers Journal, FreeFall Magazine and Ascent Aspirations. She was nominated for the Pushcart Prize in 2005.