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Everyone remembers where they were the day magic returned.
I'd been at it all day, sitting in the little conference room,
interviewing applicants for the one opening down at Mega Pest Control.
Times were tough and competition was heavy.
The television in the corner was full of impossible images. Unicorns
wandered around Times Square. A dragon batted at airplanes on a
taxiway at Reagan International. Huge serpents swam Nessie-like down
the Mississippi. And a swarm of faeries - freaking faeries - chased
children in a school yard in Topeka.
I thought it was an elaborate hoax, like the one in the pre-television
years by that fat radio guy, but as the day wore on, the news coverage
continued on every channel. Whatever force borrowed or stole the magic
eons ago, they all agreed, had paid it back with interest.
I scratched at one of several nasty bites on my neck and shuffled
applications and legal pads on the table. The day had been long and I
was ready to pack it in when Sue leaned in the door, her faced scrunched
in an expression I didn't quite get. "Oscar, you have one more... applicant."
Oh well. I deal mostly with the trades; HVAC, plumbing,
extermination and the like. A little over-specialized, maybe, but I've got a
knack, so I've been told, and that's why they hire me again and again.
I'm good at matching hardworking applicants with eager employers. Call
it a gift. Not rocket science. You just have to watch for the signs, trust
your gut.
I sighed and settled back into my chair, swatting at another one of
the monster flies that had been pestering me all day. Biggest bugs I'd
ever seen. "Send 'em in."
The floor shook once, then twice. Good God. Were those footsteps?
An ogre stepped into room, head hunched to avoid the drop ceiling.
I scrabbled to my feet, almost falling backwards over my folding
chair. My heart pounded. Something programmed deep into my genes
wailed at me to flee high into the trees or deep in a dark hole too small
for it to follow.
When he didn't attack immediately, I forced myself to breathe slowly,
gaining my composure. These were different times. Aside from being big
as a gorilla on growth hormones, he could have passed as a 1980's
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Except for the tusks.
He's just another applicant, just another...person...looking for a job.
He looked down at me, brows raised over his big, green eyes. He
tilted his head to one side and I was reminded of the distorted cats and
dogs on the calendar in the corner. I hated those things. Another bug
buzzed by, colliding with my forehead and spiraling off wildly across the
room.
"Okay," I said, straightening my tie and easing down into my chair.
"So, uh, you're looking for a job?"
The ogre grunted.
"Excellent, excellent."
Wood creaked as it sat on the floor just inside the room. An odor
began to grow in the small room - like wet puppies and moss. The bugs
sure liked it. A dozen flitted around the ogre's head but he was oblivious.
"So...this interview is for an exterminator. Mega Pest covers the
whole range of vermin. Until today, I suppose." I chuckled, but the green
eyes just stared. "Yes, well. Mister?"
The ogre grunted.
"I see. How do you spell..." I let the question trail off and took out a
blank application. "What are your qualifications?"
He reached into a leather bag at his side and flopped a heavy object
onto the table. I flinched. A grimy rope threaded through the eye sockets
of a dozen animal skulls. The big one in the middle could have been
human. He followed my gaze and tried to casually turn the bony stare
face down on the table but nothing with hands the size of holiday hams
can move casually and I had to fight the urge to leap through the
privacy-glass window behind me.
"I see," I managed.
Some of the bugs had grown bored with the ogre and resumed their
dive-bombing sorties on me. Zooming in, snatching at strays hairs on my
head, scratching at my ears. One hovered, bouncing in the air in front of
my face like a hummingbird. A glint caught my eye before I could smack
at it.
No way.
A tiny woman by shape, with dragonfly-style wings, her body
covered in glistening glitter-sized specks. Cute except that the head was
wrong. Bulbous eyes, faceted like a fly's, and a wide grin filled with
needle tips. The bites on my neck and arms throbbed. Well, I'll be.
The ogre grunted.
I snapped my attention back to the hulking creature and his
macabre collection of endorsements strung across the table. "You
certainly seem able to handle the, uh, larger varieties, but the world of
pest control is always changing - vermin of the day, you might say. What
unique qualities do you have to meet the needs of Mega Pest?"
A bug-girl nipped at the back of my neck, drawing blood, and flitted
away beyond my reach. One of the ogre's eyes tracked her for several
seconds. A tongue flashed from his mouth, snatching her from the air
and into his waiting mouth with a satisfying crunch.
I dabbed at a bleeding bite with a Kleenex. Worse than any wasp
sting.
I looked into the applicant's eyes. He stopped chewing, the corners
of his mouth attempting a grin and almost succeeding.
"You're hired."
The ogre grunted.
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