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If Rain were Dan's girlfriend, his friends would
say, "That would be the name of a girl you meet
in Boulder. Rain. Or Rainbow. Or Granola." But
Dan could take it. He would put up with anything
for Rain's sake. The only problem: she didn't love him.
He saw her every morning, Monday through Friday,
in second-year French. Three nights a week, he
went to her dormitory study lounge to practice
verb conjugations with her. Il l'aima à la folie. Je t'aimerai pour toujours, mais tu ne
m'aimeras jamais. Aimeriez-vous préparer l'examen avec moi?
Penses-tu qu'ils s'aiment? Nous nous aimons. But no matter how many
ways he showed that he could use love in a sentence, she wasn't
interested. "Je t'aime bien," she said, French for "Let's be friends."
One night he told her, "Someday they will make a movie about my
life."
"What are you going to be famous for?"
"I haven't decided yet."
She laughed, and watched him watching her laugh.
"Don't you want to be in the movie?" he said. "As my first
love?"
"First? There will be others?" Her smile gave him
hope until she said, "Now we can't possibly hook
up. My mother might see the movie."
Even though she was saying no, she had said we
and hook up in the same sentence.
She said, "I'll be in the movie as the one you couldn't have!"
"Spare me."
"It's a better story. Will he win her heart?" She smiled. "And
you never do."
He said that maybe he wouldn't be famous after
all. Maybe there wouldn't be a movie. Or maybe
her mother could be prevented from seeing it.
But Rain had lost interest. She asked him, as she
always did, about Joseph. Joseph lived in Dan's
dormitory. Dan had gone to high school with
Joseph. He and Joseph were even sort of friends,
which was one reason why, when Rain asked about
Joseph, Dan left out things that he could have
told her. Also, Dan couldn't afford to ruin her
hopes. She could study French with anyone. Dan
was her only source of information about Joseph.
What had Joseph done last summer? What were Joseph's plans after
college?
She said, "He really didn't have a girlfriend in high school?"
"No."
"God. Were all the girls at your school blind?"
"Maybe they didn't like his personality."
"He's not a jerk. Are you telling me he's a jerk?"
"Sometimes."
"What has he done? Name one time when he acted
like a jerk." When Dan kept silent, she said,
"He's not a jerk. He's a great guy. I can tell."
"I'm a great guy."
"When is his birthday?"
He told her Joseph's birthday. She wrote it down
and drew a heart around the date, a particularly
cruel touch, and a final gesture for their study session.
On his way to catch the last bus, Dan started
across the Varsity Lake footbridge. Ahead: a
familiar profile. Joseph sat on the stone railing
of the bridge, dangling his feet over black water. He was smoking.
"You shouldn't do that," Dan said.
"I won't fall."
"Smoking."
Joseph's face was in shadow as he examined his
cigarette. Then he turned. Rain was right. With
his face, Joseph could be an actor. Dan wasn't
bad looking himself, but he couldn't stack up
against Joseph. Joseph took one last drag on the
cigarette. "Not the least of my sins." He flicked
the butt into the lake. "So, did she tease you
again? Leave you all..." Joseph smiled without
looking at Dan. "All frustrated?"
"It's not funny."
"If you can't see the humor in this, you must be dead."
"May I rest in peace."
"What do you like best about her?" Joseph gripped Dan's shoulder, kneaded Dan's flesh. "Do you like how she smells?" Joseph's breath reeked of cigarettes.
Dan knocked the hand away. "Not here."
"So shy."
"I should just tell her."
"She'll hate you. Then where will you be?" Joseph swung his legs up over the railing and hopped down onto the bridge. "Come on. Let's go someplace. I know how to make you feel better." He started to walk away without looking to see if Dan would follow. "You can even say her name. I won't care."
Dan stood still. He felt his heartbeat high in
his chest and in his throat, as he always felt
his heartbeat at this moment when Joseph walked
away and might just keep walking whether Dan hurried to catch up to him
or not.
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